Parenting with Internal Family Systems (IFS) – Frank Anderson

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For all its joys, parenting is often a roller coaster of challenges. Even when parents are at the top of their game, the most routine curveballs—quarreling siblings, a child’s public meltdown, or a phone call from a teacher—can trigger unresolved shame, guilt, or anger. But the Internal Family Systems (IFS) approach can help parents more fully understand and heal the wounds their children will inevitably evoke in them, allowing them to better set healthy limits, while also creating a more nurturing family environment.For all its joys, parenting is often a roller coaster of challenges. Even when parents are at the top of their game, the most routine curveballs—quarreling siblings, a child’s public meltdown, or a phone call from a teacher—can trigger unresolved shame, guilt, or anger. But the Internal Family Systems (IFS) approach can help parents more fully understand and heal the wounds their children will inevitably evoke in them, allowing them to better set healthy limits, while also creating a more nurturing family environment.

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1. Incorporate “a part of me language” in family conversation to allow for safe ways to have difficult discussions with children.Incorporate “a part of me language” in family conversation to allow for safe ways to have difficult discussions with children.
2. Create ways to engage parents in an exploration of their reactive moments with compassion and empathy instead of guilt and shame.Create ways to engage parents in an exploration of their reactive moments with compassion and empathy instead of guilt and shame.
3. Plan an agreement with parents that allows for healthy co-parenting and minimizes the negative impact they can have on their kids when they’re not at their best.Plan an agreement with parents that allows for healthy co-parenting and minimizes the negative impact they can have on their kids when they’re not at their best.
4. Explain how to help parents lead from a place of power and set limits for their children while still expressing love and support.Explain how to help parents lead from a place of power and set limits for their children while still expressing love and support.

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Parent Coaching vs Parent Healing Parent Coaching vs Parent Healing 

• Parent Coaching Parent Coaching 
• Parenting Parenting 

Starting the Parenting Journey Starting the Parenting Journey 

• Expectations Exercise Expectations Exercise 
• Video (I was the perfect mom…) Video (I was the perfect mom…) 

The Spiritual Dimension The Spiritual Dimension 

Family History: Legacy Gifts & Burdens Family History: Legacy Gifts & Burdens 

• Gifts and Burdens Exercise Gifts and Burdens Exercise 

Parenting Styles & Attachment Styles Parenting Styles & Attachment Styles 

• IFS & Parenting IFS & Parenting 
• Parenting Styles Parenting Styles 
• What IFS Brings to Parenting What IFS Brings to Parenting 
• Video (Do you suffer from Par-ent-ing? Video (Do you suffer from Par-ent-ing? 

Our Reactive Moments Our Reactive Moments 

• What causes you to lose it (exercise) What causes you to lose it (exercise) 
• List the reasons you can get activated. List the reasons you can get activated. 

When Your Kids Become Your Perpetrator When Your Kids Become Your Perpetrator 

• Video (Mom losing it) Video (Mom losing it) 
• Examples  Examples 
  • World series World series 
  • Sleepover & football game Sleepover & football game 
  • Trick-or-treating & dinner Trick-or-treating & dinner 

Responsibility & Repair Responsibility & Repair 

• Owning our Parts Owning our Parts 
• Apologizing Apologizing 
• Connecting Connecting 

Triggering Exercise Triggering Exercise 

• Overidentifying with their parts Overidentifying with their parts 
• Co-Parenting Co-Parenting 
• Video (people with no kids) Video (people with no kids) 

The Triggering Agreement The Triggering Agreement 

• Personal example Personal example 
• Triggering Agreement Exercise Triggering Agreement Exercise 

Direct Access Parenting Direct Access Parenting 

• Parenting Books Parenting Books 
• Parenting and Society/Culture Parenting and Society/Culture 

Parenting and Attachment Parenting and Attachment 
Parenting and the Brain  Parenting and the Brain 

• Video (I’m not your friend, kid!) Video (I’m not your friend, kid!) 

From Reactive to Responsive From Reactive to Responsive 

The Parent Self The Parent Self 

Parenting from Self Parenting from Self 
Unique Circumstances  Unique Circumstances 
Summary & Ending Exercise  Summary & Ending Exercise 

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